"Did you hear about the angel who lost his job?"
"He had harp failure!"
"Hey Bob, how do you like your
new chimney sweeping job?"
"It soots me!"
Why does electricity shock people?
It doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Eve was the first woman
to eat herself out of house and home.
"Why does a dog wear more clothes in summer than in winter?"
"Because in winter a dog wears a coat, but in summer he wears a coat, and pants, too."
"Why did the farmer feed
his cow money?"
"He wanted rich milk."
"Why are you knitting three socks?"
"My son says he's grown another foot since he went to the mission."
"What runs around the farmyard, yet never moves?"
Two Hollywood goats found some old film
and began to eat it.
"Is it good?" asked one.
"Yes, but I liked the book better," answered the other.
Why is a bad riddle like a poor pencil?
Because it has no point.
"May I hold your hand?"
"No thanks. It's not heavy."
"How's the man who
swallowed the spoon?"
"He can hardly stir."
Why does a tall man eat less than a short one?
Because he makes a little go a long way.
Why do flowers seem lazy?
Because you often find them in beds.
What did the bald man say when
he got a comb for a present?
"Thank you, I'll never part with it."
What did Franklin say when he discovered electricity in lightning?
Nothing. He was too shocked.
I have cities without houses, forests without trees, rivers without water. What am I?
Why did the chicken cross the street?
For fowl purposes.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the street?
He did not have the guts.
Where were the first doughnuts made?
How did the octopus
go into battle?
"Why are you limping?"
"I came through the screen door and strained myself."
"This match won't light."
"What's the matter with it?"
"I don't know. It worked a minute ago."
What did one tonsil say to the other?
"Get dressed. The doctor is taking us out tonight."
What did one math book say to another?
"I've got problems!"
What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
"This coffee tastes like mud."
"Well it was ground this morning."
What did the jack say to the car?
"I'll give you a lift."
When does an Irish potato change it's nationality?
When it becomes French fries.
Why do birds fly north?
Because its too far to walk.
What has a foot and a head, but cannot walk or think?
What is the difference between a tailor and a stable boy?
One mends a tear, and the other tends a mare.
Who are the best bookkeepers?
People who never return the books you lend to them.
Why does the moon go to the bank?
To change quarters.
What is bought by the yard yet worn by the foot?
What is the difference between a bad boy and a postage stamp?
One you stick with a lick, and the other you lick with a stick.
What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?
What must you keep after giving to someone else?
If two is company and three is a crowd, what is four and five?
Two pieces of prison clothing lay
on a table after being ironed.
One said: "I'll be put away,
but you'll be hung."
"Do you serve crabs here?"
"We serve anyone, sir.
Please sit down."
Pray tell me, listener, if you can,
Who is that highly favored man
Who, though he marries many a wife,
May still stay single all his life.